Those of us who are married or in
long-term partnerships are in it for the long haul (I hope) and we find
ourselves trying to figure out how to survive the stormiest of days.
It's never easy to hear your spouse
say those two words that we often associate with divorce: "I'm
unhappy." Many women automatically assume they're the reason their
partners are less than thrilled with life and that it's somehow their
responsibility or job as a good spouse to correct the problem.
Of course, once we step outside of
our situation and look at it objectively, it's much easier to realize that,
over the course of a long marriage, there are going to be times when one person
is unsatisfied with some part of life — their job, financial circumstances,
weight, sexual prowess and so forth. It's normal to want to fix things when we
see the person we love in pain, but relationship experts say one of the best
things we can do is not to try and become our spouse's savior.
"It's natural that we all go
through icky moments in life," says Rebecca Wong, relationship therapist
and founder of Connectfulness.
"The trick in a relationship is to understand how to help one another to
grow through these moments. Our relationships offer us opportunities to reflect
on ourselves. When your partner is going through a particularly icky spell, the
best thing you can do is listen and reflect. Refrain from trying to fix him,
try to put away your own defensiveness, and listen for his needs. Be his
retreat from the icky rather than contribute to it."
Here are five expert suggestions on how we can help our husbands or partners through trying times
1. Don't criticize
There's a huge difference between
being a good listener and dominating the conversation with advice that comes
across as highly critical. One is helpful — the other, a surefire way to turn
your partner away. "It is important for a wife to be open and available
for when her husband wants to talk about his life," says marriage coach and consultant Leslie Doares, who is the author of Blueprint for a
2. Show he/she they are appreciated
We may not be able to solve the
actual problem that is bothering him, but we can take steps to make him feel
like his home is a safe haven where he is loved. "Speaking in very general
parameters, men are more task oriented than women," says Patty Blue Hayes,
author of Wine, Sex and Suicide — My Near Death Divorce and My Heart
Is Broken. Now What? "If your husband is feeling less valued at work,
then amplify your appreciation of him at home. Let him know specifically what
he's doing right and how it makes you feel. Tell him a few times a day that he
is being seen, valued and appreciated for what he's doing."
3. Be mindful of emotions — but don't blame
yourself for them
"Recognize we are each
responsible for our own emotions and you are not the 'cause' of any of his
feelings," Blue Hayes says. "If he's irritable, give him some space
and disengage from the temptation to take on his feelings. If he's frequent to
having fits of anger and directs them at you, bring it to his attention
immediately, letting him know you won't tolerate that. Taking on anger and
volatility from a partner can be a slippery slope; seek help together through a
counselor, coach or relationship book or workshop."
4. Be playful
Sometimes the best remedy for stress
and pain is a reminder that life can still be joyful. "Even though he may
be feeling a bit down, that is the perfect opportunity to infuse some playtime
into your relationship," Blue Hayes says. "Mix up your routine, shut
the TV off, make ice-cream sundaes, and play scrabble; go for a walk together
and take silly pictures while on playground swings or monkey bars; point being
to bring some levity into your life together even when he's feeling a bit
down."
5. Don't neglect your sex life
There's a good chance your husband
won't be thinking about sex if he's feeling intense anxiety or grief. But if
you suspect intimacy might help him, there's no better way to connect and
release stress. "Even if his libido may be down from feeling unhappy, a
little seduction could go a long way in turning his frown upside down. You've
got some lingerie tucked away somewhere; bring it out. Sex releases the
feel-good chemicals and deepens the bond between the two of you. Break up the
routine, surprise him, seduce him, lavish him. He may forget he even had a care
in the world."
(ZONEHOUSE
IN'T MEDIA)
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