What if there was a way you could
prevent your relationship from slipping so far off track that the only possible
resolution is dissolution?
Here are some of the top reasons
relationships (married or otherwise) fall apart and what you can do to correct
your course prior to permanently calling it quits.
#1:
Emotional disconnect
Once a couple marries, they get
caught up in the domestic chores and day-to-day living and do not feed each
other. The relationship falls to the wayside because everything else becomes a
priority.
Get a list of questions to ask each
other (at least one per week, but perhaps even one per day). Discuss personal
things such as the most embarrassing moment in your partner’s life, a special
memory you both have about your parents growing up, etc…. Keep asking questions
to learn as much as you can about this person you’ve chosen to be with. This
will re-infuse your relationship with connecting threads and help keep bringing
you closer, even if you've been "together forever." Remember, there
is always something new to learn about each other.
#2:
Unspoken expectations
When people get married — or
even just together — there are immediate expectations set by one person
for the other and most times these are never agreed upon if even articulated
(which can lead to relationship meltdowns).
One really simple and surprising
thing is to change the expectations you have for your partner, by pretending
they’re not your partner. “Sometimes telling people to just imagine they are
not married [or coupled exclusively] and not having expectations for the other
person will reduce the stress for everyone and immediately make things better,”
say Desroches and Greco. "Expectations should be agreed and not
assumed."
What this means is that if each
partner does have legitimate needs that they need their partner to meet, they
need to discuss these expectations with each other. Discussions must not be
broad — as in "I need you to handle the finances" — but
instead specific i.e., do you need them to balance the checkbook, complete
financial planning for the family, start a college fund for your kids? Spell it
out.
Anything assumed or omitted is a
chance for miscommunication. "It is a process and you most likely will not
get it right the first time," say Desroches and Greco. "Better
explanations are key and don't let the frustration lead to someone saying,
'Forget It, I will take care of it!'"
#3:
Boredom
After years of being together and
getting into a routine, couples are often bored with the everyday humdrum life
they have come to know. Once things start getting familiar and routine, the
passion leaves the relationship.
Every month, make it a habit that
you and your partner pick two things you want to do together and the other
person can't say no to your selection (within reason of course).
"Activities you both have never experienced will rejuvenate the
relationship and give you something different to discuss," say Desroches
and Greco. "Try to make these kid-free activities and get a
babysitter." Now that doesn't mean you couldn't do fun things with your
kids as well another time, but do an activity together just the two of you in
order to mix it up and give you adult things to talk about. Also consider
having outside activities independent of each other, or read different books,
so you can bring that experience to your partner for discussion. Keep learning
and growing so you have something to chat about at the dinner table.
#4:
Focusing too much on children
Many times once the children are
born, the love affair that a woman once had with her husband is now with the
child. For the husband, he may also make the children the focus and not really
care about the relationship. Eventually, the relationship is broken and the
romance is gone.
No, we're not talking the "get
a room" type of PDA, but it is good to remember each other when it comes
to daily displays of affection. Children often demand your time and rapt
attention, but it's not selfish for you to tell them when it's Mommy and Daddy time
(and assure them they'll get their needs met later). “Make sure your
children see you kissing, hugging, dancing and loving being together,” say
Desroches and Greco. “Keep your couple-hood and don't let the kids' lives take
over. They do not have to come first. If you two are happy, they will be
happy.”
#5: Conflicts and arguing
Sometimes it can be a huge release
to throw stones, call names and bring up anything and everything wrong with
your partner. However, these actions invariably put an emotional strain on the
relationship.
Instead of letting something fester
and boil before it gets out of control, communicate to your partner as soon as
you are feeling an emotion as best you can (i.e., If you find yourself feeling
hurt or angry for some reason, voice that). You may have to discuss the emotion
to fully understand where it originated and why.
"Did your partner say or do
something that caused that feeling... if so try to understand why it mattered
to you and what can change," say Desroches and Greco. "Without this
exploration, your self-awareness and the awareness of the relationship cannot
grow and develop."
Though it often strikes fear into
the hearts of many, the best way to bring up an issue that could be
uncomfortable is to actually say, "I'd like to discuss something with you,
when is a good time?" Healthy relationships will respond well even though
one partner might be feeling "uh oh." Better to plan ahead and set
aside space for a focused conversation, rather than potentially have an emotional
outburst at an inopportune time down the line. "Safety is the key to a
positive outcome, this reduces the anxiety and defensiveness," say
Desroches and Greco.
Above all, be proactive in your
relationship. "Most couples go to therapy when there is an issue instead
of feeding and watering the relationship all the time," say Desroches and
Greco.
(ZONEHOUSE IN'T MEDIA)
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Us For Any Question At zonehousejust4u@gmail.com
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